butterfly

 

There is nothing that can prepare you for becoming a single mum for the third time.

Once is hard; twice is devastating; three times… well, it just shouldn’t happen.

In January 2016, my life collapsed in an instant. One minute I had what appeared to be the perfect life, the next
I was sitting in disbelief, trying to figure out what the hell I’d done in my previous life to deserve this utter devastation— again.

I didn’t scream and shout. I didn’t sob or wail. And I certainly didn’t update my social media status to tell the
world that I was newly single. I sat quietly staring into space, wondering if I could hold it together whilst I cooked
and ate dinner with Kieron before his dad collected him. I would tell him soon, but at that moment it was all too raw. I had no answers to the questions he would have, and I didn’t want him to worry over the weekend.

I decided that I would have the awful conversation that no parent should ever have to have (let alone more than once) when the boys were back from their dads’. We ate dinner as normal as I held back the tears, knowing that our lives were going to be very different from now on.

I felt that I had failed both of my children, and my parents, again.

There is nothing that can prepare you for making that agonising phone call to your parents for the third time to
tell them that their daughter and grandsons will be starting life, once again, on their own. It was heart-breaking hearing their voices break with emotion as they also tried to come to terms with the disbelief of what had happened.

They wanted to offer me words of comfort, but there were no words that could take away the pain. I felt like the black sheep of the family who had caused them even more upset. Yet I knew they still loved me unconditionally, and that meant the world to me.

I didn’t sleep at all that night. Instead, I watched the memories of the last few years pass me by. I was scared by
the uncertainty that we faced again of moving house and not knowing where we were going to live. But I had to trust
that we would be okay. Strangely, I felt very calm over that weekend, but there was still one more conversation I needed to have that I was dreading.

There is nothing that can prepare you to sit your children down, look them in the eye, and tell them that once again
their life would never be the same. I believe that children should be exactly that – children. They should not have to
be faced with the same hurt, pain, and devastation that can come with being an adult, but unfortunately there was no
way I could protect them from this hurt.

I told them very honestly what had happened and that I didn’t know when or where we would be moving, but I wanted to make sure they knew that I would always be there for them and that I didn’t want them to worry about anything.

I am in awe of how resilient and understanding they were, and I believe they handled the situation better than many
adults may have done. I could not have been any prouder of them if I tried.

I found myself wondering if I had the strength to carry on with my business. Could I swallow my pride and tell
everyone that The Girl Who Refused to Quit had given up on her dreams and had actually quit? The thought left me
full of dread, and actually made me feel physically sick. I had worked so hard and wanted nothing more than to keep
sharing my message. I wanted to inspire others to follow their heart and believe in themselves, but –without realising it – I had ignored all of my own advice and lost a lot of faith in myself over the last year.

It shocked me that when I had lost so much and now had the perfect excuse to take the easy way out and quit my
business, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would find a way to make this work. There was still a tiny
spark within me that I could feel growing day by day, telling me that I still had a purpose, I had a message, and that I had come too far now to stop.

Others may have lost belief in me, but I had not lost hope or belief in myself. It had wavered,yes, but I had to believe there was still light at the end of what felt like a very long tunnel.

It is hard to believe that this was my reality less than 12 months ago. You would think that this awful start to 2016 would have been enough “bad luck”  for the year but oh no, it got worse.

As the year went on I had challenges thrown at me left right and centre in every area in my life and I have questioned many, many times if I could hold on and carry on. I have also had those awful dark moments of ‘Why me?’

I have had to dig so deep and once again I have found strength I didn’t know existed.

I am ending the year feeling so grateful for everything that has happened,  and yes I really do mean everything… the good, the bad and the ugly.

They have all brought me lessons that have been an invaluable part of me becoming the person I was meant to be.

I am SO excited about what 2017 will bring and I am looking forward to sharing with you the imperative empowerment tools I have used a long the way.

Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over….she began to fly” – Unknown

You might feel like you have been buried in the dark, wondering when things will get better.

Hold on and trust that you needed this time to grow your beautiful strong wings.

Trust it will soon be your time to finally break free and fly high.

Cassie x

(P.S The first part of this e-mail is an extract from the extended copy of my book “The Girl Who Refused to Quit” You can purchase this on paperback and Kindle from Amazon here)

 

9780993129629